Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Thursday Thirteen

In no particular order, here are the thirteen reasons that if I believed in it, I’d be going to Hell. 1. I flunked out of Church. SURPRISE! I’ve been to a church, mostly as a child. I went to Sunday school and demanded that the teachers “prove it” that God existed. I sat in the sanctuary during communion and stuck my tongue so far into the little plastic cup to get that last drop of grape juice that it made an audible “THWOK” when I pulled it out and then I suffered through irrepressible giggles for forty-five minutes until the service concluded. The last straw was youth group. I was in it for the dudes. Oops. Not those nerdy dudes. It’s actually pretty funny that much later in life, I married a guy who had been the President of his youth group. Revenge of the nerds. But I’m still going to Hell. 2. I’m a liar. First and foremost to my thighs. How many times have I told them that I was going to embark on a daily exercise regime? They pay me back with cellulite. I’ve also lied to my Girlie. Not just in the obvious “Sure there’s a Santa Claus” way. I’ve told her that the mashed cauliflower on her plate was mashed potatoes. Man, I suck. 3. As a youngster, I delighted in frying ants with a magnifying glass on sunny days. I can’t explain that one. 4. As a college student I, uhm, inhaled, uhm, stuff. Let’s just say that I could never be elected president. 5. In the same vein, while still fairly young I caught my older brothers inhaling, uhm, stuff, and extorted them to the Nth degree. I’m so bad. Of course, they used to lock me in their little fort and not let me out until I’d tasted some heinous concoction from the kitchen. They deserved the extortion. Oops. I’m headed to Hell here. 6. This may be the most difficult one to admit to. I used to play the airplane schloop game on business trips. (I’m so mortified I can barely explain it. It was pre-9/11 by many years.) Me and a coworker would sit on the airplane and watch the others board. When we saw somebody that we couldn’t possibly stand to sit by, we’d make a schloop sound (sort of inhaling at the same time) indicating our desire for them to be sucked out of the plane. My particular subjects were those who looked like they hadn’t bathed in the last decade or so, giant people, and babies. Shoot. Babies! Now I love ‘em. But I’m still going to Hell. 7. I like rock ‘n roll music. 8. I’m a lawyer. (Was a lawyer. But the bad sticks on you.) 9. I covet stuff. If you read my blog, you know I covet a Prius (for some good reasons, if not godly ones). But let’s face it. I also covet a swimming pool, a bestselling book, and a personal chef. 10. I sneak drinks out of my Girlie’s water bottle when she’s not looking. Doesn’t sound sinful but Girlie has made it abundantly clear that NOBODY is allowed to get their slurp on her drinks or cutlery or whatever. Mind you, the dog can spit-shine her teeth. Human germs? Too dangerous. 11. I didn’t care much for the movie, The Graduate. Some might argue that it only makes me unAmerican. But under our current administration, unAmerican equals going to Hell. So there I go. 12. I have watered my lawn on a Wednesday. (I’m strictly limited to Tuesday and Saturday.) 13. Finally ... drumroll please ... I, Wendy Boucher, am going to Hell for being a Liberal. Liberal’s another word I’d like to take back from its negative connotation (along with the word feminist). Just for example, I believe that gay folks should be permitted to marry. No, I don’t want to call it something else. No, I don’t think that next we’ll be allowing people to marry their dogs. Here’s another example: I think that everybody should have access to basic preventive health care. And I think that gas should be MORE expensive so that people would push harder for alternatives to oil (and driving cars in general). I’m so liberal, I actually care about people who aren’t even residents of the United States. My liberal views sometimes don't earn favor with those on the religious fringe. So guess where I'm headed? I am so going to Hell. Oh wait, I don’t believe in Hell. Well, if I’m wrong and it really exists; sign me right up. All the interesting people will be there. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

44 comments:

Wendy Boucher said...

Just seeing if all these Linky things work.

Lisa M said...

I love your humor. I'm so glad I get to claim you as a friend, pre-blog even.

Tennessee Mom X Two said...

I so agree with the liberal stuff, I'm not nearly as good a writer as you so you took the words out of my mouth! And mr linky is great, i gave him/her some money for gold one.. i love it!

Melissa said...

Mashed cauliflower is hust wrong. But I love your list. I am going to be there too, well if I believed, so you will be in good company.

Hey, I covet a pool too. My moms pool. SOmetimes I want her to move away and leave me the house, just cause of the pool. Not cause I want her gone.

Nancy said...

LOL! I must be going to hell w. you.
Maybe for #4, most definatly for 13.

Love this list.

Happy 13!

Paul said...

Great TT. #13 Its ok to be a liberal in my book. Alternatives would be nice but I don't want to see higher gas prices!

Gale said...

You are on my favorites list and the wife and I check your blog EVERY day. Don't let the pressure of our blog stalking get to you. We are fans.

Sonya said...

How do you flunk out of church?

Lazy Daisy said...

Wow, that's quite a list. You are a brilliant writer. Good luck with your book. My TT is up too.

Undercover Angel said...

I'll probably be joining you! I'll try my best to bring an air conditioner with me... My TT is up now too.

Matt said...

Well if you are going to hell I will meet you down there.

My T13 is up!

TNChick said...

Fun list! I have done some bad thing - some that you've done... but I don't see me going to hell. I hope I'm not wrong LOL My 13's up

WendyWings said...

How do you flunk church was there a test ?

mar said...

I think I am even worse, I don't think they have a place to put up with me, lol! Fun TT, fun reading, Happy Thursday!

Mandy said...

Looks like I'll be heading that way too after reading your T13!

Mines up :)

Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...

if I were american - I would be a democrat - cause there is no way I could vote for Bush - and I really don't think that is grounds for going to hell

Peety said...

I guess I am going to hell with you

^.^

My TT is Up

something blue said...

It's going to be a little overcrowded. I covet too.

Mashed cauliflower does taste like potatoes.

Tricia said...

LOL oh you're hilarious! :) Yes I do think you might be going to Hell, but then I think most people will be able to agree with at least one item on your list so I guess we are all going there. :)

I loved the liar- lying to the thighs line. :)

My TT is up.

Cheryl said...

Fry ants?
Bad girl!
I used to settle for using the magnifying glass in the garden to set fire to bits of paper, so I wonder which of us had the bigger problems? Hahahaha

The Red Queen said...

Wendy, Thanks for visiting. Good thing we have a very forgiving God. I loved the list and think we could have grown up in the same neighborhood and been best friends getting in all kinds of "shes gonna go to hell" trouble

Scouser said...

Boo Hiss #8. You are definately going to HELL. There is no room anywhere else for all of the Lawyers lol. My T13 is now up.

Denise said...

LMAO....I'll see ya there! Save me a seat, would ya?


Happy Thursday & thanks for stopping by my 13! :)

Carmen said...

I often feel as if my liberal beliefs will cause lighting to strike me as I walk into church on Sundays. So far, so good. Maybe I'm not so wrong, after all. :) But thank goodness for forgiveness. :)

Stephanie A. said...

I'm also a non-believer, but if we're both wrong we can hang out in hell. What do you say?

I'm so with you on so many of those items- espeically the coveting! I covet all of those things plus a jacuzzi.

Margaret said...

eh, if good deeds can't get us into heaven (Rom 3:23) the bad ones will. They say grace and forgiveness is the only way. Hate to disappoint you, but it seems you have 13 things to be forgiven for. Now isn't that special?

Andrew said...

I'm pretty sure you can be forgiven for most of this stuff, if you read the fine print (purt those lawyering skills to work). Except for No. 10. That is unforgivable in anyone's book.

Funny stuff, Wendy. Glad to have discovered your site.

AC @ bloggedy blog

colleen said...

Isn't being a lawyer enough to seal the deal?

You're in good company. Jesus was a liberal too!

Mine are up and on the go.

pupski said...

hmmm guess i am going to hell too...

Paisley said...

I'm not doing the TT today, but I had to check you out. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

I love your list. Can you be my new best friend?

:)

Dorothy said...

Going to Hell hmmm? Well I just visited your blog. Guess that means I'm going too. And I was sooo good last week.

Courtney said...

LOL very entertaining list. Thanks for the laugh.

Ocean Lady said...

My son likes to burn stuff with his magnifying glass; he is always mutating plastic army men and stuff. Mashed cauliflower tastes just like mashed potatoes - it seemed to me. ;)

Jo said...

Wow! Now that I see how many of those things we have in common, I guess I'm going too. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

Christine said...

I agree about the lying and coveting. I've had to come up with some great ones for the toothfairy too. As for the personal chef, I like cooking just not every day especially in the Summer. Actually I think I'm already in Hell living here in AZ! Can't be any hotter than this! LOL Love the list! Happy TT!

Emily said...

I'll save seats for you and all your hellbound commenters, so no worries!

used*to*be*me* said...

Great list and don't worry, if I believed, I'd be right there with you.

Lifecruiser said...

I'm already in heaven and I'm going to stay here....

I think you'll have hell of a time there ;-)

Ginger said...

Great list! I fried ants too. :P

TLC said...

Since I am a Christian, I think I am not going to hell. But I am #13...so I think you are safe on that one. You have to change it to 12 reasons. I can't help you with those, though. Yep, you are frying. ;)

You are hilarious.

My T13 is up.

Rosei said...

Loved this one! Have a nice weekend :)

Haleigh Anne said...

Great list! It made me laugh. I am also sending a link to my friend Regular Jo...she'll love it.

anneberit said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and TT; I'll add a link tomorrow after some sleep ;) Happy weekend!

jessika said...

Yes doggie germs are safer then humans. after all they lick their own butts quite well. lmao!