In no particular order, here are the thirteen reasons that if I believed in it, I’d be going to Hell. 1. I flunked out of Church. SURPRISE! I’ve been to a church, mostly as a child. I went to Sunday school and demanded that the teachers “prove it” that God existed. I sat in the sanctuary during communion and stuck my tongue so far into the little plastic cup to get that last drop of grape juice that it made an audible “THWOK” when I pulled it out and then I suffered through irrepressible giggles for forty-five minutes until the service concluded. The last straw was youth group. I was in it for the dudes. Oops. Not those nerdy dudes. It’s actually pretty funny that much later in life, I married a guy who had been the President of his youth group. Revenge of the nerds. But I’m still going to Hell. 2. I’m a liar. First and foremost to my thighs. How many times have I told them that I was going to embark on a daily exercise regime? They pay me back with cellulite. I’ve also lied to my Girlie. Not just in the obvious “Sure there’s a Santa Claus” way. I’ve told her that the mashed cauliflower on her plate was mashed potatoes. Man, I suck. 3. As a youngster, I delighted in frying ants with a magnifying glass on sunny days. I can’t explain that one. 4. As a college student I, uhm, inhaled, uhm, stuff. Let’s just say that I could never be elected president. 5. In the same vein, while still fairly young I caught my older brothers inhaling, uhm, stuff, and extorted them to the Nth degree. I’m so bad. Of course, they used to lock me in their little fort and not let me out until I’d tasted some heinous concoction from the kitchen. They deserved the extortion. Oops. I’m headed to Hell here. 6. This may be the most difficult one to admit to. I used to play the airplane schloop game on business trips. (I’m so mortified I can barely explain it. It was pre-9/11 by many years.) Me and a coworker would sit on the airplane and watch the others board. When we saw somebody that we couldn’t possibly stand to sit by, we’d make a schloop sound (sort of inhaling at the same time) indicating our desire for them to be sucked out of the plane. My particular subjects were those who looked like they hadn’t bathed in the last decade or so, giant people, and babies. Shoot. Babies! Now I love ‘em. But I’m still going to Hell. 7. I like rock ‘n roll music. 8. I’m a lawyer. (Was a lawyer. But the bad sticks on you.) 9. I covet stuff. If you read my blog, you know I covet a Prius (for some good reasons, if not godly ones). But let’s face it. I also covet a swimming pool, a bestselling book, and a personal chef. 10. I sneak drinks out of my Girlie’s water bottle when she’s not looking. Doesn’t sound sinful but Girlie has made it abundantly clear that NOBODY is allowed to get their slurp on her drinks or cutlery or whatever. Mind you, the dog can spit-shine her teeth. Human germs? Too dangerous. 11. I didn’t care much for the movie, The Graduate. Some might argue that it only makes me unAmerican. But under our current administration, unAmerican equals going to Hell. So there I go. 12. I have watered my lawn on a Wednesday. (I’m strictly limited to Tuesday and Saturday.) 13. Finally ... drumroll please ... I, Wendy Boucher, am going to Hell for being a Liberal. Liberal’s another word I’d like to take back from its negative connotation (along with the word feminist). Just for example, I believe that gay folks should be permitted to marry. No, I don’t want to call it something else. No, I don’t think that next we’ll be allowing people to marry their dogs. Here’s another example: I think that everybody should have access to basic preventive health care. And I think that gas should be MORE expensive so that people would push harder for alternatives to oil (and driving cars in general). I’m so liberal, I actually care about people who aren’t even residents of the United States. My liberal views sometimes don't earn favor with those on the religious fringe. So guess where I'm headed? I am so going to Hell. Oh wait, I don’t believe in Hell. Well, if I’m wrong and it really exists; sign me right up. All the interesting people will be there. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
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