Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Thirteen zoo animals to emulate.

WELCOME! I’m going to entertain you today with the thirteen lessons that we can learn from zoo animals but first, because I told my agent about my blog yesterday, I have to make it look like I use the blog to promote my books just in case she takes a peek. So as an appetizer, here are seven reasons you should buy my first novel, Parvenue Throws A Party (see picture in sidebar): 1. You’ll get to look up the word “parvenue” in the dictionary and find out that it’s an unfavorable moniker that you can slap on your sister-in-law and she’ll never know what you’re talking about. 2. At least one of the scenes will make you laugh out loud. It might be the birthday cake decorated with the seven dwarfs on their way to axe murder a local village (my personal favorite) or it might be the scene at the mall (oh, there are several of those) but I assure you, if you read it, you will laugh. 3. If you buy today, you might be the single person who raises my Amazon rating by nearly 700,00 spots. 4. You will come away feeling quite superior and virtuous by comparison to the protagonist who needs to learn a few lessons (and does). 5. You’ll be sticking it to the man. Actually, “the man” or “the woman” will be publishing my next work but in the meantime, you’ll be supporting an independent publishing house. 6. You’ll get a sample of my artwork to display on your coffee table for no extra charge (I designed the cover). 7. You’ll make a fellow blogger super duper happy and if you comment that you’ve bought a book and you aren’t telling a big fat lie, I’ll post a personal thanks with a link to your blog. And that my friend, is priceless (well, free). AND NOW for our main feature, thirteen lessons we can learn from zoo animals. 1. Elephants. I’ll bet you money that there isn’t one elephant who gets on the scale every morning to find out if she’s going to have a good day or a bad day. Wide hips? Got ‘em. Love handles? Got ‘em. Thighs that rub together? Got ‘em. Not only does the elephant not care about her extra flab, she sometimes sprays dust all over herself to draw attention to the wide bits. There’s a lesson here, ladies and gentlemen, about not being hung up on your weight. 2. Tigers. If you learn the lesson from elephants above, you’ll also need to learn the tiger’s lesson. Wear vertical stripes. It’s more slimming. 3. Alligators. Botox? Hah, they laugh in your face. Firming cream or rejuvinating oil? Pish posh. The alligator is cracked and wrinkled and proud at any age. And you’re going to get in a huff over a little line between your brows? Nonsense they’ll tell you. 4. Chimpanzees. Have you ever seen chimpanzees when they’re all stirred up? I’ve seen them swing upside down, put boxes over their heads, and throw fruit. Once I saw a male with a huge erection standing with his arms outstretched above his head laughing like an idiot. The lesson here isn’t to lighten up and have a good time. The lesson is regarding alcohol abuse. Too much tequila and you’ll be acting like one of them. 5. Camels. Drink plenty of water EVERY DAY instead of once a month and you’ll avoid unsightly humps. 6. Lions. They lick themselves all over just like kitty cats. So practice your yoga and increase your flexibility and you too will be able to bend over and lick your rump. Not that you’d want to. 7. Giant tortoises. Slow down, you’re moving too fast and taking on too many projects. These guys live for a gazillion years and they didn’t get there by multi-tasking. 8. Parrots. They speak more than one language: bird and human. So let your kids practice their barnyard grunts and jungle growls. Soon, interspecies warfare will be a thing of the past. 9. Meerkats. They’re the original neighborhood watch. Want to lessen crime in your neighborhood? Make like a meerkat and have somebody keep a lookout. Pick your nosy neighbor Hazel. You know she’s dying to do it. 10. Two toed sloths. I confess I picked these because I adore them. I even saw one in Costa Rica. The lesson that you learn from sloths is to eat salad. Nobody, not even you, has a slower metabolism than a sloth. Do you hear them complaining about not being able to eat candy bars without getting fat? No. They eat salad and get on with it. 11. Swans. The lesson here is that you should never tell somebody that their baby is ugly, even if it is. 12. Penguins. Own a tuxedo. You never know when your going to get that last minute invitation to dine at the White House. Be prepared. 13. Bald eagles. Get over yourself about hair loss, yours or your husbands. Bald is beautiful. I know that bald eagles aren’t bald, per se, but their divorce rate is nonexistent. I’m thinking it’s because they just accept each other for all their faults. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

48 comments:

liberalbanana said...

Re: Penguins - yeah, I'm sure my invite to dinner at the White House is coming in the mail ANY DAY NOW!

Cute and creative list though!!!

(Oh and I DO plan on buying your book! I'll be sure to let you know as soon as I finish reading it!)

Lifecruiser said...

Some how, I can relate very well to #1 and 13.

#1: I also mention the word elephant in my T13.

#13: My new Nicname is Baldie Hawn...

Margaret said...

I love your sense of humor! Great 13!

Norma said...

What a cute list--and your book sounds really great. Best of luck with your writing career.

My TT is up.

The elephant was the best.

L said...

heh heh :)

a book, eh? I will have to check that out

YellowRose said...

I think I'd like to be an elephant..then I wouldn't have to worry about diets anymore! ;)

Great list! My TT is up!

catherine said...

Two-toed sloths???? I've never even heard of that animal. Very humorous 13+

Addison said...

I bought the book....sent it to a friend in Dallas

Antique Mommy said...

This post amused me so that I am going to buy your book and maybe one for a friend too. If you ever get to Dallas, the Dallas World Aquarium has a sloth that hangs out in a tree by the snack bar at certain times and you can get mere inches away from it. Very cool.

Butterfly Kisses said...

Very Cute thirteen. I should use the tortoise advice.

WendyWings said...

We have a show airing here at the moment called Meerkat Manor it is like a reality show with meerkats, they are intriguing little creatures.
Happy TT mine is up now too.

Carol said...

Love, love, LOVE your TT. What fun! Thanks for visiting my TT. I'm thinking about buying your book -- I just have SO many that I've already bought and haven't read yet. Got to do some catching up. Good luck!

Tess said...

7&11 are my FAVE!!

Momma Bee said...

LOL...great lists! :)

Jo said...

Great list! I like it.

Gabrielle said...

wow. this is such a creative list! mine's up, too! :)

Mrs. Cranky Pants said...

Great list. Very creative.

Cheryl said...

Yes, very creative, and a chuckle too :-)

the_yecart said...

I've made a note to go out and find your book. It sounds interesting already!

Chaotic Mom said...

We could learn a lot from the animals, me in particular from the elephants... ;)

Carmen said...

Tell you what, I know it might not help, but I feel so guilty buying books. I will, however, try to find it at the library and read it.

I've got a novel with a few agents right now, waiting and waiting and waiting to hear back about the first 50 pages or so. How'd you do it?

Joan said...

Clever! I have always felt akin to the tiger.

Andrew said...

Great lessons to learn from our animal friends.

Pax,
AC (a fellow writer)

P.S. - My TT is here.

Chi said...

This is really a fun list...and very creative! *s*

Karen said...

heeheehee. so clever! we have some elderly meerkats in the neighborhood- keeps the kids in line if we go out of town! and I will be buying your book!

-xtessa- said...

totally, totally hilarious!!! loved it!

mine's up!

Wystful1 said...

Tigers, yes....vertical stripes more slimming yes...

What a great T T!!!

Mine is up

angela said...

Funny girl...loved the meerkat...we used ot hae one across the street...He would walk right over to anyone he deemed "suspicious" and ask what they were doing...and he was mad if you didn't meerkat for him as well. He was great, but he moved away (sniff)

Mt TT is up.

something blue said...

Brilliant! When I take my daughter to the zoo this weekend for her birthday, I'll be looking at all the animals with new respect.

Your book sounds like something I would really enjoy! Who doesn't like laughing out loud?

TheMartins said...

Oh I will so have to check out your book! I love to read... Let us know when it is coming out so I can get it out. :) Good luck!!

My TT is up too.

Dorothy said...

Fantastic. I'm going to check out your book.

The Red Queen said...

Great 13, you had me laughing till the tears came. Be blessed today. Im Up too

Mandy said...

Love this TT! The Elephant one is hilarious, and oh so true. My TT is up :)

TLC said...

I love meercats and penguins. I don't have any nosy neighbors though. Or a tuxedo.

Congratulations on having your book published.

My T13 is up.

Susan said...

That is a GREAT list...and yes, I'll get out to buy the book...sounds interesting.

My TT is up.

Great Day said...

Love, love, love the list. I am wiser now and will have so much fun going to the zoo next weekend.

Kim said...

Great list...I needed a good laugh and you sure delivered! I especially loved the elephants and chimpanzees ;)

Reverberate58 said...

Cute list. I knew there was a reason I liked the elephants the best!!
Thanks for the visit at my T13 today.

AuntieM said...

Elephants are it in my book...describes me to a 'T'.

Great TT.....mine is up and running.

The Shrone said...

Thanks for stopping by my TT!

Lazy Daisy said...

Great list....I'm convinced. Great lessons and thanks for the laughs. Hope your book does well. My Tt is up.

Jess Riley said...

Wendy, you win the prize for most clever marketing of all time. I am buying your book. :) I promise. And when we do meet at a conference, we're drinking a martini together. Maybe two. hehe!

PixiePincessMom said...

LOVED IT!

I don't have a favorite as they all were just too good! :-)

Jen said...

How funny! We were just at the zoo today.

Good luck with your book, and your career, you are obviously talented.

My TT is up!

Melissa said...

That was so cute! LOL

Elle said...

*grin* What a fab list! It was fun to read.

Hope you had a great TT
Elle xx

Guppyman said...

Last time I wore a tux, I went barefoot (my wedding)... I wonder if i could do the same at the white house???

Harmonica Man said...

Stumbled my way over here from Jess Riley's place - and am glad I did! Love the toons!