WELCOME! I’m going to entertain you today with the thirteen lessons that we can learn from zoo animals but first, because I told my agent about my blog yesterday, I have to make it look like I use the blog to promote my books just in case she takes a peek. So as an appetizer, here are seven reasons you should buy my first novel, Parvenue Throws A Party (see picture in sidebar): 1. You’ll get to look up the word “parvenue” in the dictionary and find out that it’s an unfavorable moniker that you can slap on your sister-in-law and she’ll never know what you’re talking about. 2. At least one of the scenes will make you laugh out loud. It might be the birthday cake decorated with the seven dwarfs on their way to axe murder a local village (my personal favorite) or it might be the scene at the mall (oh, there are several of those) but I assure you, if you read it, you will laugh. 3. If you buy today, you might be the single person who raises my Amazon rating by nearly 700,00 spots. 4. You will come away feeling quite superior and virtuous by comparison to the protagonist who needs to learn a few lessons (and does). 5. You’ll be sticking it to the man. Actually, “the man” or “the woman” will be publishing my next work but in the meantime, you’ll be supporting an independent publishing house. 6. You’ll get a sample of my artwork to display on your coffee table for no extra charge (I designed the cover). 7. You’ll make a fellow blogger super duper happy and if you comment that you’ve bought a book and you aren’t telling a big fat lie, I’ll post a personal thanks with a link to your blog. And that my friend, is priceless (well, free). AND NOW for our main feature, thirteen lessons we can learn from zoo animals. 1. Elephants. I’ll bet you money that there isn’t one elephant who gets on the scale every morning to find out if she’s going to have a good day or a bad day. Wide hips? Got ‘em. Love handles? Got ‘em. Thighs that rub together? Got ‘em. Not only does the elephant not care about her extra flab, she sometimes sprays dust all over herself to draw attention to the wide bits. There’s a lesson here, ladies and gentlemen, about not being hung up on your weight. 2. Tigers. If you learn the lesson from elephants above, you’ll also need to learn the tiger’s lesson. Wear vertical stripes. It’s more slimming. 3. Alligators. Botox? Hah, they laugh in your face. Firming cream or rejuvinating oil? Pish posh. The alligator is cracked and wrinkled and proud at any age. And you’re going to get in a huff over a little line between your brows? Nonsense they’ll tell you. 4. Chimpanzees. Have you ever seen chimpanzees when they’re all stirred up? I’ve seen them swing upside down, put boxes over their heads, and throw fruit. Once I saw a male with a huge erection standing with his arms outstretched above his head laughing like an idiot. The lesson here isn’t to lighten up and have a good time. The lesson is regarding alcohol abuse. Too much tequila and you’ll be acting like one of them. 5. Camels. Drink plenty of water EVERY DAY instead of once a month and you’ll avoid unsightly humps. 6. Lions. They lick themselves all over just like kitty cats. So practice your yoga and increase your flexibility and you too will be able to bend over and lick your rump. Not that you’d want to. 7. Giant tortoises. Slow down, you’re moving too fast and taking on too many projects. These guys live for a gazillion years and they didn’t get there by multi-tasking. 8. Parrots. They speak more than one language: bird and human. So let your kids practice their barnyard grunts and jungle growls. Soon, interspecies warfare will be a thing of the past. 9. Meerkats. They’re the original neighborhood watch. Want to lessen crime in your neighborhood? Make like a meerkat and have somebody keep a lookout. Pick your nosy neighbor Hazel. You know she’s dying to do it. 10. Two toed sloths. I confess I picked these because I adore them. I even saw one in Costa Rica. The lesson that you learn from sloths is to eat salad. Nobody, not even you, has a slower metabolism than a sloth. Do you hear them complaining about not being able to eat candy bars without getting fat? No. They eat salad and get on with it. 11. Swans. The lesson here is that you should never tell somebody that their baby is ugly, even if it is. 12. Penguins. Own a tuxedo. You never know when your going to get that last minute invitation to dine at the White House. Be prepared. 13. Bald eagles. Get over yourself about hair loss, yours or your husbands. Bald is beautiful. I know that bald eagles aren’t bald, per se, but their divorce rate is nonexistent. I’m thinking it’s because they just accept each other for all their faults. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
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