Monday, May 01, 2006

Back from NYC #1 - why the radio silence

A conversation with my laptop Me: “Okay, computer. We’re in NEW YORK CITY! The hotel has free wi-fi so let’s go for it.” Computer: “Fuck you. Beep.” “What? No, you can’t do that. I want to tell everybody about how in three days, I didn’t see anybody famous and that means that I am the most famous person in New York this weekend. Me, Wendy Boucher, AUTHOR!” “Beep, beep. Phhhhhtttttthhhhhht.” “Right, so I did see Jonathan Ames but nobody knows who he is even though he’s been on Letterman three times and he’s sort of an author too. Okay, really an author. The literary agent who introduced him at the writers' conference seemed so drunk he joked about Ames having had sex with a goat.” “Boooooop. Does not compute.” “Very funny. Ames took it in stride and confessed that the only thing that was actually true in the introduction was that he had been an extra in a p@rn flick (nerdy guy who glumly slinks away when asked to). He was hilarious. But you, stupid computer, are not funny at all. I don’t know why I have to remind you that right on your dirty case, underneath the cookie crumbs, it says that with you, I’ll have ‘Mobility Without Boundaries.’ So why aren't you connecting? Are you just wanting a little vacation from the internet?” “Now you’re talking. Beep, beep.” “Well forget it! I want to tell everybody about how absolutely fabulous my short jaunt to New York has been …” “Beep. Shut up or I’ll start eating your latest novel. Boopity boop.” “You can’t do that! You work for me! I’ve got about ten funny Girlie stories to tell, comics to draw…” “Chomp, chomp.” “STOP! Okay, you can have your damn vacation. But I’ll expect you to fire up your connectivity the minute we get back to Florida.” “Beepity, beep beep.” Me, whispering to you about the computer: “Shhhh. Don’t tell my computer, but I am sooooo getting a new laptop when my book advance comes in.” Computer: “Burp. Yummy pages.” Me: “Fuck.”


liberalbanana said...

Oh my god, that was hilarious! I could use a sassy laptop. If you buy a new one can you mail that one to me? It could be considered a tax write-off because you would be giving it to charity. (I'm very needy.)

Wendy Boucher said...

Sorry, Banana. As penance I'm going to make my sassy-ass laptop mow the lawn every weekend.

Jess Riley said...

You saw Jonathan Ames?!?! I love him! I have two of his books. Dude is hilarious.

Sorry to hear of the laptop woes. But was the conference enjoyable overall? One day we'll have to end up at the same one! :)